As much as we all love “Dallas’s” opening credits, they aren’t without their quirks.

Linda Gray and Steve Kanaly weren’t added to the title sequence until the second season, while poor Ken Kercheval had to wait until Season 3 to get star billing. By the time the show was winding down, the credits had become a free-for-all: Lesley-Anne Down was added to the opening titles the moment she joined the show, even though hardly anyone remembers her character, Stephanie Rogers.

Meanwhile, actors who made lasting contributions to “Dallas” — including John Beck (Mark), Morgan Brittany (Katherine), Mary Crosby (Kristin), Jared Martin (Dusty), Deborah Shelton (Mandy) and William Smithers (Jeremy) — were never promoted to the title sequence. (This is just a sampling, of course. Feel free to name additional actors in your response.)

Your #DallasChat Daily question: Which “Dallas” actors deserved a spot in the opening credits?

Share your comments below and join other #DallasChat Daily discussions.

We all loved J.R. Ewing, even though he wasn’t exactly Mr. Nice Guy. During the course of the original “Dallas,” he lied, cheated and stabbed the backs of friend and foe alike. But what was his worst act of all?

Was it putting Sue Ellen in the sanitarium? Having an affair with Kristin? Driving Cliff to attempt suicide? Mortgaging Southfork without Jock and Miss Ellie’s knowledge? Forcing Holly and Laurel to have sex with him? Selling oil to Cuba? Trying to blow up the Middle East? Leading Pam on a wild goose chase to find the missing Mark? Bringing Lisa to Dallas to try to take Christopher away from Bobby? Taking that doomed hunting trip to Haleyville, Arkansas?

Your #DallasChat Daily question: What’s the worst thing J.R. ever did?

Share your comments below and join other #DallasChat Daily discussions.

To honor Ken Kercheval’s performance on “Dallas,” Dallas Decoder and Cook In/Dine Out offer a Cliff Barnes-inspired “Dallas Drinks” cocktail. Enjoy!

Say what?

You’re invited to Dallas Decoder’s next #DallasChat on Twitter, which I’ll hold Tuesday, September 2, from 9 to 10 p.m. Eastern time.

Our topic: “Hurt,” this week’s episode of TNT’s “Dallas.”

If you have ideas for questions, leave them in the comments section below, tweet them to me @DallasDecoder or post them to my Facebook page. I may choose one or more questions and ask them during our discussion.

New to #DallasChat? Here’s how it works: For one hour, I tweet 10 questions to my fellow “Dallas” fans. Each question is numbered and includes the hashtag #DallasChat, so your answers should do the same. Please include the show’s official hashtag, #DallasTNT, in your tweets too.

Here’s a sample exchange:

Q1. Should Cliff get out of jail on #DallasTNT? #DallasChat

A1. Hell no. Maybe he didn’t kill J.R., but he’s done lots of other bad stuff. Let him rot, I say! #DallasTNT #DallasChat

Two tips:

• During the discussion, enter #DallasChat in Twitter’s search field. This will help you watch the search results so you can follow the conversation. Click “All” to see all the related tweets.
• Be sure to include #DallasChat in your tweets. This allows the other participants to see your contributions to the conversation.

This will be another fun discussion. Please join us!

Mama’s here

Here are the questions we’re pondering as we await tonight’s telecast of “Victims of Love,” TNT’s latest “Dallas” episode:

Will Pamela pardon Cliff? In the previous episode, “Hurt,” Elena (Jordana Brewster) told the Ewings about Bobby’s scheme to frame Cliff (Ken Kercheval) for J.R.’s “murder,” as well as J.R.’s swindle against her father years earlier. In exchange for keeping quiet about the frame-up, Elena asked Bobby for financial restitution and a piece of Southfork land; she also requested he pull strings in Mexico to get Cliff pardoned from prison. Bobby reluctantly gave Elena everything she wanted, but she turned over the land to Pamela (Julie Gonzalo), as well as the clemency paperwork, telling Pamela she should be the one to decide if her father goes free. What will Pamela do?

Will the Ewing women forgive Bobby? Sue Ellen (Linda Gray) was furious at Bobby (Patrick Duffy) for not telling her the truth about J.R.’s death and and told him Miss Ellie would be “ashamed” of him. She also confronted Bum (Kevin Page), who told Sue Ellen that her ex-husband met death with courage. Pamela was also angry at Bobby and so was Ann (Brenda Strong), who accused him of being a hypocrite for lashing out at her so often over her secrets. Will Sue Ellen, Ann and Pamela forgive Bobby? And will Sue Ellen forgive J.R. for not telling her that he was dying of cancer?

Who will control Ewing Global? John Ross (Josh Henderson) retaliated against Elena by telling Nicolas (Juan Pablo Di Pace) that she slept with him to get her hands on J.R.’s letter. Nicolas forgave Elena and agreed to take her away, but not before he spoke to the mysterious Victor Des Lauriers (Max Ryan), who assured him that everything is set for Ewing Global’s initial public offering, when much of the company’s stock will be up for grabs. Meanwhile, Christopher (Jesse Metcalfe) wondered if Nicolas is actually Elena’s childhood friend Joaquin and began seeking proof to confirm his suspicions. Will Christopher piece together the puzzle and stop the IPO before the Ewings lose control of their company?

What will Judith do? Emma (Emma Bell) once again met with Luis (Antonio Jaramillo), who agreed to put Harris behind bars again — but only if Emma agreed to use Ryland Transport to move more drugs for the cartel. When Harris (Mitch Pileggi) learned his daughter was talking to Luis, he told her the truth about his involvement with the CIA, and then she told him about the deal she struck. Since Judith (Judith Light) is slated to appear in tonight’s episode, what will she say when she finds out what her son and granddaughter have been up to?

What brings Tracey McKay back to “Dallas”? “Victims of Love” will feature the return of Tracey McKay (Melinda Clarke), whom Bobby dated after his divorce from Pam in the late 1980s. What brings her back into the Ewings’ lives, and how is she related to Hunter (Fran Kranz), the McKay heir who is secretly plotting with Nicolas to help the drug cartel take over Ewing Global?

What “Dallas Burning Questions” are on your mind? Share your thoughts in the comments section below and watch TNT’s “Dallas” tonight at 9, Eastern, Mountain and Pacific times, and 8, Central time.

A farewell to Barnes

“Victims of Love” puts the emphasis on corporate wheeling and dealing, but look past all the chatter about IPOs and SECs and you’ll see this is really an episode about the characters and their daddy issues. Pamela punishes Cliff by leaving him in prison, John Ross loses control of the family business by repeating one of J.R.’s biggest blunders, and Hunter McKay revels in the glory of simultaneously sticking it to the Barneses and the Ewings — something his villainous grandfather never managed to do. These scenes do a nice job mining “Dallas’s” rich history, even if you have to wade through a lot of high finance mumbo-jumbo to get to them.

The hands-down highlight: Pamela’s visit to the Mexican prison, where she finally confronts her father about his sins. Julie Gonzalo is moving as the betrayed Pamela, but this scene is mostly a master class in acting from Ken Kercheval. For three-and-a-half-minutes, he uses his wonderfully expressive face to telegraph all of Cliff’s emotions: his gleeful obliviousness when he receives the envelope from Pamela, mistakenly believing it contains his pardon; his befuddlement when he examines the document inside and sees it’s an old Ewing Oil land deed; his shame when Pamela mentions her dead babies. More than anything, Kercheval shows us Cliff’s pain when he sniffles, glances away from his daughter and says, “I’m so sorry for what I did. … I know I failed you.” Heaven help me, I feel sorry for the bastard.

Some “Dallas” fans don’t love the dark path Cliff has gone down during TNT’s series, but if you ask me, a jail cell feels like a fitting metaphor for a character who spent so long being a prisoner of his own hatred. Wasn’t Cliff always destined to end up like Digger, embittered and alone? Similarly, some fans are quibbling with the deed Pamela gives Cliff in this scene, saying it doesn’t square with established “Dallas” lore. I have no problem with it; the origins of the Barnes/Ewing feud have always been murky to me, and appropriately so. Besides, I appreciate seeing Pamela reduce the feud to its core — an 80-year-old real estate squabble. It makes the whole thing feel so petty and empty, don’t you think? The scene ends on a somewhat triumphant note, when Pamela tells Cliff, “You avenged the wrongs done to your father, and I’ve avenged the wrongs done to me by mine.” It might seem like Pamela is breaking Digger and Cliff’s destructive pattern, but don’t bet on it. If “Dallas” has taught us anything, it’s that the Barneses and the Ewings are doomed to repeat the cycles their forbearers.

Indeed, we see this throughout “Victims of Love,” which comes from scriptwriter Taylor Hamra, who penned last year’s similarly themed “False Confessions.” Here, John Ross erupts when Hunter points out the “poetic justice” of tricking the Ewings into giving up control of their own company, just like Hunter’s grandfather Carter did to J.R. in the original “Dallas’s” next-to-last episode. As much as John Ross worships his father, he sure doesn’t like it when people point out their mutual shortcomings, does he? We catch a glimpse of Hunter’s own familial neuroses when he answers a TV news reporter’s question by preening, “You’re asking me if it feels good to do what my grandfather never could, own the Ewings and the Barneses at the same time? Is that what you’re asking? Um, yeah, it sure does.” Later, Luis, the drug lord general, sulks away from the tomato bushes when El Pozolero, the Mexican godfather, suggests he favors his other “adopted” son, Nicolas, over Luis. (Even gangsters have daddy issues, as my astute niece, a recent “Dallas” convert, points out.)

There’s much more to like about “Victims of Love.” I’m thrilled to see the return of the McKays, a family that played an important role in “Dallas’s” later years, which deserve more love than they receive from many fans. Melinda Clarke does a nice job stepping into Beth Toussaint’s shoes as Tracey — although truth be told, Toussaint was seen so briefly on the original “Dallas,” Clarke pretty much gets to reinvent the character from scratch. I also like Fran Kranz’s turn as the smarmy, Zuckerberg-esque Hunter; what a shame the character meets such a surprising (and grisly) end here. I also applaud Hamra’s script for getting the details right: In a cute exchange, Tracey corrects Bobby when he says she hustled a thousand bucks from him during their first encounter at the pool hall in the late ’80s (it was only $900), and the explanation that Hunter and his unseen brother Trip are Tommy’s illegitimate sons seems perfectly plausible.

Not everything here works, beginning with the drug cartel and CIA subplots, which remain out of place on “Dallas,” and Judith Ryland’s antics, which have gone too far over the top for my taste (“Let’s go make us a drug deal”), as well that business with the severed hands. However, the Ewing Global IPO storyline — as needlessly complicated as it seems — proves so absorbing, I kind of forgot the reason the cartel wants the company is so it can be used as a tool to overthrow the Mexican government. The sillier stuff is also concealed by all the cool visual flourishes, a signature of Ken Topolsky, perhaps the new “Dallas’s” most inventive director. I love how we hear Christopher rapping on Carmen’s hotel room door, and with each knock, the camera zooms in a little tighter on the Omni Shoreham logo. There’s also some nifty transitional shots using the Dallas skyline, as well as a neat special effect where the news report on Cliff’s jailhouse black-and-white TV screen dissolves into Hunter’s full-color press conference. Even the Wolf Blitzer cameo is kind of fun.

Topolsky also delivers some lovely character-driven moments that shouldn’t be overlooked, including the scene where Sue Ellen counsels Pamela, the conversation where Emma warms up to Ann (even if she still can’t bring herself to call her “Mom”), and the quick glimpse of Emma’s eager expression when John Ross pulls up in the Rylands’ driveway. (You can practically read her mind: “Is he here to see me?”) I also like the way Harris touches Judith’s shoulder when they see the video feed of the bound-and-gagged Ann and Emma; it’s a credit to the great Mitch Pileggi that this touch feels genuinely warm instead of genuinely creepy.

In an hour about public offerings, it’s these private moments that stand out most.

Grade: B

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The return

‘VICTIMS OF LOVE’

Season 3, Episode 12

Telecast: September 8, 2014

Audience: 1.93 million viewers on September 8

Writer: Taylor Hamra

Director: Ken Topolsky

Synopsis: Nicolas and Victor undermine Bobby’s friend Cal, which allows Hunter to obtain controlling interest in Ewing Global on the day of the company’s initial public offering. The Ewings blame John Ross for losing control of the company, as does Nasir, who express his disappointment via text message. Bobby turns to his ex-flame Tracey McKay, Hunter’s aunt, and asks her to talk her nephew into revealing the truth about the cartel’s role in the takeover, but when Bobby and Tracey arrive at Hunter’s home, they find hid dead body hanging from a noose. Christopher confirms Nicolas is Joaquin and his connection to the cartel and leaves Elena a voice mail warning her to stay away from him, but Nicolas intercepts the message. Bum tells John Ross that Harris is working for the CIA. Luis kills Candace and presents her severed hands to Judith. Luis also reveals he’s holding Ann and Emma hostage and threatens to kill them if Judith doesn’t double the cartel’s drug shipments. Pamela visits Cliff in prison, where she declines to give him his pardon and bids him farewell.

Cast: Jonathan Adams (Calvin Hanna), Emma Bell (Emma Ryland), Wolf Blitzer (himself), Jordana Brewster (Elena Ramos), Melinda Clarke (Tracey McKay), Juan Pablo Di Pace (Nicolas Treviño), Patrick Duffy (Bobby Ewing), Marlene Forte (Carmen Ramos), Julie Gonzalo (Pamela Ewing), Linda Gray (Sue Ellen Ewing), Josh Henderson (John Ross Ewing), Antonio Jaramillo (Luis), Ken Kercheval (Cliff Barnes), Fran Kranz (Hunter McKay), Judith Light (Judith Ryland), Jesse Metcalfe (Christopher Ewing), Kevin Page (Bum), Gino Anthony Pesi (George Tatangelo), Mitch Pileggi (Harris Ryland), Max Ryan (Victor Des Lauriers), Miguel Sandoval (El Pozolero), Summer Selby (police detective), Brenda Strong (Ann Ewing)

“Victims of Love” is available at DallasTNT.com, Amazon and iTunes. Watch the episode and share your comments below.

The avenger

In “Victims of Love,” a third-season “Dallas” episode, Pamela (Julie Gonzalo) centers the prison cell where Cliff (Ken Kercheval) sits at a table.

CLIFF: [Rises] Pammy, I knew you would come. Thank you.

They sit across from each other.

PAMELA: I’m sorry. I’m sorry for helping the Ewings put you in jail, for failing to protect your legacy.

CLIFF: Your whole life, I warned you about trusting the Ewings. I was trying to protect you. But what matters now is that you do know the truth — and I didn’t kill J.R. So now, you can get me out of jail. We can have a second chance. We can start all over. We can get the company back — together. I love you, Pamela. I miss you so much. [She pulls out an envelope and slides it across the table toward him. He opens it, removes an old document and studies it.] This is a deed to Ewing 6. That was Digger’s.

PAMELA: That plot of land was robbed from your father. And because of that, I was robbed from ever having one.

CLIFF: Pamela —

PAMELA: All I ever wanted from you was love. But you always hated the Ewings more than you ever loved me.

CLIFF: Darling, that’s not true.

PAMELA: Yes it is. Because if you truly loved me — because if you truly wanted to protect me — then you never would have done what you did when you killed my babies. I can never forgive you for that.

CLIFF: I’m so sorry for what I did. [Sniffles] But you want to leave me here? And you’ll forgive me if I stay in prison? I know I failed you. I did. I, I did.

PAMELA: It’s over now. You avenged the wrongs done to your father, and I’ve avenged the wrongs done to me by mine. [She rises and walks away, then turns back to face him.] Goodbye, Daddy.

Your turn, Annie

The Ewings discover Ann and Emma (Brenda Strong, Emma Bell) have been kidnapped in “Boxed In,” TNT’s latest “Dallas” episode. Fortunately, our favorite TV family has plenty of experience dealing with this kind of thing. Here’s a look at the 13 most harrowing kidnappings from the original series.

Far out!

13. Lucy (1978). When the Ewings refused to let Valene come to Lucy’s birthday party, Lucy ran away from Southfork and hitched a ride with Willie Gust (Greg Evigan) — and who can blame her? Willie had the tightest jeans, the most feathery hair and the grooviest custom van in Texas, right down to the wall-to-wall fake-fur carpeting. Too bad Willie was also a lunatic who ended up taking Lucy (Charlene Tilton) on a cross-Texas crime spree. Bobby rescued her, of course, but we never found out what happened to Willie. Was he really as psychotic as he seemed? Or were those jeans merely cutting off the circulation to his brain?

J.R. Duncan

12. John Ross (1979). Hey, remember when Sue Ellen nipped a little too much from her “special bottle” of Scope, escaped from the sanitarium, wrecked her car and gave birth to John Ross? And remember how Priscilla Duncan (Sheila Larken) quietly snatched the baby from the hospital? And then remember how happy we all were when Pam figured out what happened and reunited J.R. and Sue Ellen with their son? Well, hindsight being what it is, am I the only one who now thinks John Ross might have been better off with Ms. Duncan? Sure, she was nuts, but think of all the daddy issues the kid would’ve avoided.

Who shut up J.R.?

11. J.R. Ex-mobster Joseph Lombardi wanted answers when his son Nick Pearce plunged to his death after tussling with J.R. (Larry Hagman) on a high-rise balcony, so Lombardi sent his goons after our hero. They bound and gagged J.R. and brought him to a cheap motel, where Lombardi grilled him about the night Nick died. J.R. insisted it was all an accident — and fortunately Sue Ellen confirmed his account, prompting Lombardi to release him. It was cool to see Hagman act opposite the great Joseph Campanella, and we have to give Lombardi props for stand up to ol’ J.R. But would I want to see him kidnapped again? Fahgettaboudit.

Cuff him if you can

10. Bobby. “Dallas” has given us a lot of credibility-stretching storylines over the years (cough, cough Haleyville), but you know what I’ll never believe? I’ll never believe that Bobby James Ewing (Patrick Duffy) — that strapping, hunk of Grade A Texas beefcake — could be outmuscled by the clowns who kidnapped him during the middle of the show’s second season. For goodness sakes, Bobby is the kind of guy who can take on a barroom full of drunk cowboys and walk away without a scratch. The only thing more ridiculous than seeing him abducted is seeing the Ewings turn to Cliff Barnes to rescue him!

Darlin’ detained

9. Sue Ellen. Oh, for the love of Pete. Sue Ellen, what have you gone and done now? Did you really allow that creep B.D. Calhoun to slip you a mickey so he could photograph himself with you and send the pictures to J.R.? Didn’t you learn not to trust strange men during Pam’s dream the previous season? Actually, even though Sue Ellen should have known better, this subplot marked the beginning of a turning point in her marriage: Once J.R. vanquished Calhoun, he felt so bad about what happened to his family, he finally kicked that Winger tramp to the curb. Hmmm. On second thought, maybe Sue Ellen knew what she was doing all along.

Welcome to the jungle

8. Pam. When an old back injury flared up during “Dallas’s” ninth season, Victoria Principal took a break from the show, leaving the writers scrambling to explain her absence. Their solution? Have Pam kidnapped by jungle mercenaries, of course! The subplot proves surprisingly effective, especially when we see Cliff’s determination to rescue his sister. (Their reunion after the bad guys release her is one of many great scenes between Principal and Ken Kercheval.) Looking back, I can’t help but wonder: Why couldn’t “Dallas” come up with a good storyline to explain Principal’s absence when she left the show for good two years later?

Take her. Please.

7. Jenna. When Jenna (Priscilla Beaulieu Presley) fled Dallas on the day she was supposed to marry Bobby, she left behind a note that explained she had fallen in love with someone else and was running away. Except that wasn’t true: Jenna’s ex Renaldo Marchetta (Daniel Pilon) had kidnapped her and forced her to pen the letter to throw the Ewings off their trail. When this storyline aired during the winter and spring of 1985, I spent weeks on the edge of my seat, anxious to see how it would turn out. Little did I know things would end on such a tragic note, when Dreadful Jenna™ returned to Southfork. Oh, the humanity!

Captive audience

6. John Ross (1986). Here we go again. After B.D. Calhoun (Hunter von Leer) kidnapped and released Sue Ellen, he set his sights on John Ross (Omri Katz), J.R. and Sue Ellen’s son. Calhoun snatched the kid from a hotel pool in Los Angeles, where J.R. and Bobby sent their wives and boys to protect them from the threat Calhoun posed. The crazed mercenary forced little John Ross to make a hostage tape, which turned Sue Ellen into a blubbering mess when she watched it. Fear not, honey: The Ewing brothers eventually rescued John Ross, who would grow up to star alongside Emma Ryland in a much different kind of video.

Gagged, reeling

5. Lucy (1982). Well, what do you know? Lucy’s been kidnapped yet again. This time, the culprit is Roger Larson, the photographer who helped turn her into Texas’s tiniest top model. Unlike most of the other kidnappings on this list, Roger didn’t abduct Lucy for ransom or revenge — he was obsessed with her. He kept the Ewing heiress locked in a room plastered with the pictures he took of her. (Do stalkers do this in real life, or only on TV?) Bobby and Pam eventually rescued Lucy, but not before Pam told off Roger in one of Principal’s best scenes. Gee, like Sue Ellen, maybe Lucy should’ve gotten kidnapped more often too.

Feet first

4. Lucy (Early 1960s). Lucy’s first kidnapping is an integral part of “Dallas” lore. It’s mentioned in the first episode, when Lucy recalls how J.R.’s “old boys” snatched her from Valene’s arms when she was a baby and brought her to Southfork to be raised by Jock and Miss Ellie. We finally saw the kidnapping in a “Knots Landing” flashback, where we learned the ugly mess probably could’ve been prevented: No, I’m not referring to the fact that Lillimae refused to let Val (Joan Van Ark) into her shack when J.R.’s henchmen were chasing her. I’m talking about the fact Val was barefoot when she was trying to outrun them. Good grief, Val. Buy some shoes.

Carry on

3. John Ross (1981). When Sue Ellen and John Ross went to live at the Southern Cross, J.R. was determined to get his boy back. He saw an opportunity when Sue Ellen took the child with her to Kristin’s funeral in New Mexico. Mother and son were gliding through a Love Field terminal when two of J.R.’s thugs approached. While one man distracted Sue Ellen, the other snatched the child. Suddenly, Dusty Farlow and a trio of Southern Cross cowboys swarmed the dude holding John Ross. “Give us the boy,” Dusty demanded — and of course the guy did. This might have been “Dallas’s” briefest abduction, but wasn’t it exciting!

Trunk show

2. Miss Ellie. Look everybody, Donna’s here! What’s wrong, Donna? You seem upset. What’s that, you say? Jessica called Dusty and told him Clayton’s wedding to Miss Ellie (Barbara Bel Geddes) is off? And then Jessica knocked you out with the phone? And then she stole your car? And then she took Mama?! Geez, Donna, couldn’t you have given us that last bit of information first? No matter. Between Susan Howard’s pained delivery and Richard Lewis Warren’s tension-building score, the scene where the Ewings discover Mama has been abducted by loony tune Jessica is positively thrilling — even if Donna did bury the lede.

Grand theft auto

1. April. Every abduction on this list ends happily for the victim — except this one. The original “Dallas” kicked off its final season with the kidnapping of April (Sheree J. Wilson) during her Parisian honeymoon with Bobby. The storyline was a little complicated — the culprit was Hillary Taylor (Susan Lucci), a mystery woman who took April so she could assume her identity and make a big speech at an OPEC conference — and yet it was also a dramatic thrill ride. Fans expected Bobby to get his bride back by the time all was said and done — and so imagine our surprise when she was gunned down at the conference. It was a hell of a way to start the original show’s last season, telegraphing to the audience that this would be the year anything could happen on “Dallas” — and damn near did.

Which kidnapping did you find most harrowing on “Dallas”? Share your thoughts in the comments section below and read more Dal-Lists.

Cynthia Cidre

Spoiler alert! “Dallas” fans are still reeling from this week’s season finale, in which Christopher (Jesse Metcalfe) was killed when his car blew up and John Ross (Josh Henderson) learned J.R. has a secret daughter. I spoke with executive producer Cynthia Cidre about the cliffhangers — and what fans will see if “Dallas” returns next year.

Is Christopher really dead?

Yes. Believe me, we thought about teasing that: Did he die? Did he not die? And then, because I knew he was going to be dead for sure, I just felt dirty about doing that. It didn’t feel honest. So I thought the explosion was pretty big, and pretty definite — although I’m told all the blogs are saying he’s not really dead.

Yeah, the readers on my site are filling up the comments section with all kinds of theories.

That’s fun. I’ve got to read that.

But why kill a Ewing?

Well, we aim to surprise everybody — always. We like doing what you don’t see coming at the end of every season. I thought we did that well in Season 1, when we found out Rebecca was Pamela Barnes, and then we had Season 2 end with Elena finding out J.R. cheated her father. We always want to do the unexpected. And what would people expect less than if you actually killed off one of your main characters?

Swan song

Why Christopher?

If you really think about it, there were really only two options. I couldn’t kill Sue Ellen or Bobby because somebody might kill me. I couldn’t kill John Ross because the show is really on Josh’s shoulders since Larry [Hagman] died. That left Ann and Christopher. Whose death would have the bigger impact? It would be Christopher’s.

Was there a lot of debate in the writers’ room?

We pitched it back and forth for months and months: “Are we doing it? Can we do it? Are we insane? This will drive the fan nuts. They’ll want to watch the next season to see what happens. No, we can’t do it. Yes, we can. No, we can’t.” And by the way, it costs a lot of money, so we had to get permission from the studio and the network. Finally, when the money came through, Mike [Robin, a “Dallas” executive producer and director] and I looked at each other and said, “Oh, my God. I guess we’re really doing it.”

When was the scene filmed?

Only about three weeks ago. That we kept it secret is more incredible. At a certain point, only the writers and Mike knew, and then it became the studio, and then it became the network. Every time it went to someone else, I would freak and think, “How are you going to keep this secret?” Then we had to budget it and schedule it, and that involved a whole other film crew because our crew was not working. So we used the crew for “Major Crimes.”

You kept it in the TNT family.

They didn’t know what they were shooting. They knew there was going to be an explosion, but they had no idea what show, what character. And then when Jordana [Brewster] showed up on set, they realized, “Oh my God, we’re shooting the finale for ‘Dallas.’” We talked to them afterwards and said, “Guys, you’re so great to do this. You showed up on a Saturday. Thank you for your time. Please, please, please keep this to yourselves.”

Jesse Metcalfe gave a nice statement to Entertainment Weekly. What was Jordana’s reaction to the news?

I only told her the night before we shot it. She was shocked. At first she thought we were killing her because we wouldn’t tell her what we were shooting. So I finally told her, “Just rest easy. We’re not killing you, okay?”

It was a big twist, which is why I’m sorry it aired on such a tough night. What’s your reaction to the ratings?

Well, we held our own, which is insane since seven other shows premiered that day. There was “The Blacklist,” there was “The Voice,” there was “Monday Night Football.” Literally, I’m stunned. But we’re a DVR darling. Every episode this summer has gone up [significantly in viewers through DVR playback]. All I can do is make a show we’re proud of and hope the diehard fans show up.

Brave new world

You’re still waiting to hear whether you’ll be renewed for a fourth year, but as you said the other day, you’ve already started writing next season’s storylines. So how’s Bobby going to cope with his son’s death?

I just finished the first [episode] outline and it’s all about him. How’s he dealing with this? He has a pretty good idea who did it, even though there’s absolutely no proof. And Nicolas is in Mexico, so he can’t get to him. So you’re going to see a slightly different Bobby than you’ve seen before. He’s extraordinarily angry and vengeful, he’s extraordinarily hurt — and he’s refusing to express his hurt.

What about the rest of the family?

It affects everybody. Elena’s guilt goes without saying. She feels like her hands are dirty. There’s going to be a tortured relationship between her and Bobby. Believe me, this will be the emotional core of the show. The other thing that will be at the core of it is John Ross’s sister.

Yes, let’s talk about her. What can you say?

I can tell you that although J.R. has many spawns around town — if not around the world — this girl is different and special, and there’s a reason for that. That’s going to be the surprise that I hope will make your head spin.

You’re killing me here.

We had originally filmed the scene of John Ross finding her as an alternate ending because we didn’t know if we were going to get the money to blow up the car. But because we hadn’t cast the actress, all you were going to see was [the character’s] hand, and it was a great hand. It had bitten cuticles and some chipped nails and a bunch of bracelets. It was in a very exotic location. And we shot it, and it worked, but we thought because we’re going to move forward six months [when the new season opens], it would be better if John Ross finds her then. Because what the heck is he doing with her for six months?

So who’s this character’s mother?

It was a woman. [Laughs]

That’s good to know!

She’s passed away, so we’re not going to meet her. If I tell you that, then I would be spoiling something that I think would be a lot of fun — which, by the way, has been a pitch in our writers’ room for three years. We have something called the “duck pond,” where we throw up crazy ideas. And finally, that one looked good to us this year, so we’re employing it.

Will we see more old favorites from the original show?

Yes. There will be one who is a very, very, very popular old character. We’re excited to bring him or her back.

Wait, what? You’re not going to tell me if it’s a him or a her?

[Laughs] Okay, it’s a her. We’re looking forward to that storyline. It’ll be a lot of fun.

What about Cliff Barnes? Will Ken Kercheval be back?

Maybe. We’ve used him extensively for three seasons, but he’s in jail. We decided to leave him in jail, and so that kind of hurt us a little bit. There’s not a lot he can do from there. But there are some pitches about that also.

What about this business of adding a wing onto Southfork?

We’re doing it!

Really?

It burned! We have to add a wing. [Laughs] It’s a two-bedroom house with 15 people living in it.

But what about fans like me who consider Southfork sacred ground?

That’s why we’re going to put [the addition] in the back of the house. You won’t get to see it from the front, so the silhouette of the house will remain the same. We did not want to upset anybody. But we’ve made fun of [Southfork’s size] from the beginning.

I think that’s part of the show’s charm.

Yeah, definitely. We talk about it all the time. I mean, if you’ve ever visited that house, it’s probably 2,000 square feet, but somehow there are eight bedrooms. [Laughs]

Speaking of fans: Do you pay attention to the fan sites?

Not that much because I hate to get sucked into it. I mean, I want to hear all the good ones, and I want to hear the bad ones too. Mike Robin always leads with the good news. I lead with the bad news. That’s how I want notes from the studio. That’s how I want notes from the network. Just give me the bad news and I’ll fix it.

Listen up

Fans talk a lot about the show on social media. Do you do that?

No.

Why is that?

I don’t know. I feel like it’s passed me by — like I didn’t catch on at the beginning — and now my brain is so overloaded, unless I dump some “Gilligan’s Island” from my hard drive, I can’t learn anything new. But I know it’s very important, and thank goodness, all of our actors do it. They’re really into it, and they have a lot of followers. I also know the younger members of our writing staff do it. I just haven’t. Every time somebody tries to introduce me to it, I’m like, “No, I have so many emails I have to answer!”

But you hear what fans say. Is it hard to balance giving them what they want with pursuing your own creative vision for the show?

Maybe, because I’m not sure I always give the fans what they want. Maybe they’d like it to be more soapier than it is. I come from very dark writing. I wrote violent movies for Michael Mann and many other dark directors. That’s a place where I’m comfortable, and so I’ll often go to that place. Sometimes it works, and sometimes I have to remind myself that it’s probably not the best choice.

Can you give an example?

I just did it in something we were [discussing] for Season 4 about Pamela. I said, “How about she does this and this and this,” and then Robert Rovner [a “Dallas” executive producer and writer] said, “But that’s not empowering for her.” And I said, “You know what? You’re absolutely right.” I was going to a dark place for her. But I just want to work to the best of my ability, and I do want to make it delicious, and so I try never to steal that from the show.

You mentioned the “duck pond” in the writers’ room. Do I dare ask what other ideas are up there?

Most of them are goofy — and then one day they’re not goofy any more.

What I’d give to be a fly on the wall when you guys are discussing this stuff.

You have no idea. There are four comedy writers [on staff] and the things that get said inside that room — you can’t repeat them on the outside. Seriously, it’s insane. Every other day, I’m crying. We have fun. And at the end of the day, somehow the work gets done.

Share your comments below and read more Dallas Decoder interviews.

Master of the universe

Remember when “Dallas” ruled the world? Here are 36 experiences shared by fans who’ve loved the show since its heyday.

1. Getting together with the fam on Friday nights to watch the show.

2. Feeling excited when you saw this because it meant “Dallas” was up next.

3. Getting chills when the “Dallas” theme music began. It didn’t matter how many times we’d heard it before, we always got chills.

4. Loving when these two fought.

5. Loving when these two made up.

6. Loving these two. Period.

7. The highlight of each season premiere? Seeing how everyone’s split-screen would be updated.

8. Wondering whose face would get covered by Leonard Katzman’s name at the end of each episode.

9. Wondering who would get shot, blown up or soaked at the end of each season.

10. Obsessing over this.

11. Hating summer.

12. Covering your school folders with these.

13. Trying to trade your Cliff for a J.R. or Bobby. How come no one ever took us up on the offer?

14. Dressing “Dallas.”

15. Drinking “Dallas.”

16. Playing “Dallas.”

17. Flipping out.

18. Dreaming of visiting Southfork.

19. Wanting to smell like Southfork.

20. Reading the National Enquirer to learn the latest spoilers.

21. Rolling your eyes whenever someone said “Dynasty” was better than “Dallas.”

22. Devouring this book.

23. Skipping NBC’s Thanksgiving Day parade coverage because CBS’s coverage was always hosted by the “Dallas” stars.

24. Wondering why “Dallas” never did holiday episodes. At least we got to see the Ewings celebrate on magazine covers.

25. Wondering why Barbara Bel Geddes won only one Emmy for playing Miss Ellie.

26. Wondering why Larry Hagman never won any Emmys for playing J.R.

27. Worshipping Linda Gray.

28. Crushing on Patrick Duffy.

29. Crushing on Victoria Principal.

30. Wanting to have Victoria’s body, beauty and diet.

31. Washing your hair with Jhirmack because Victoria did.

32. Wearing Justin boots because Jim Davis did.

33. Wearing BVDs because Larry did.

34. Hating J.R.? Nope. Never.

35. Just loving him.

36. Always.

What are your favorite “Dallas” memories? Share them in the comments section below and read more Dal-Lists.

“Dallas’s” third and final season was a thrill ride, even if our beloved Larry Hagman wasn’t around to take the trip with us. Here’s a look back at the highs and lows.

Performances

Rising son

Josh Henderson was a revelation this year. As John Ross struggled to follow J.R.’s boot steps, he kept getting sidetracked by his own demons — and Henderson was outstanding at every turn. His performances were sometimes sly, sometimes sensitive and always superb. I was less enthralled with the other “J.R.”: Judith Ryland, a.k.a. Judith Light, who was moving during the hostage crisis but cartoonish most of the rest of the time (“Let’s go make us a drug deal.”).

Storylines

Ewing Global’s rocky road to its initial public offering was a modern take on classic “Dallas” wheeling and dealing. It included the dramatic boardroom showdown where Sue Ellen voted against John Ross’s plan; John Ross and Pamela’s trip to Las Vegas, where he gambled away J.R.’s wristwatch to prove his mettle to the sheik; and finally the frenzied day of the IPO, when Hunter McKay swooped in and turned the tables on John Ross — much like Hunter’s granddaddy Carter once did to J.R. Even Wolf Blitzer showed up to report on the Ewings’ doings. The worst storyline? Nope, not the drug cartel, which ended up being better than expected, but all the silliness involving the brothel, including the eye-rolling revelation that Judith is a madam.

Episodes

Direct hit

The achingly poignant “Hurt,” written by Aaron Allen and directed by Patrick Duffy, dared to challenge the audience to stop sentimentalizing J.R. This was an actors’ episode, beginning with the theatrical scene where Elena exposed Bobby’s scheme to frame Cliff. No whiplash-inducing plot twists here; just solid Ewing family drama. There was also a lot to like about the “Lifting the Veil” wedding episode. Unfortunately, much of it was cut to make room for those bonkers brothel scenes.

Scenes

John Ross and Sue Ellen’s kitchen confrontation was the season’s emotional high point. It began with her standing at the counter, sloshing a drink, no longer denying her fall from the wagon. Into the room stormed John Ross, furious over his mother’s boardroom betrayal and still very much in denial about his addiction to power. The chills-inducing climax: He slams down his hand and screams, “I am not my father!” Maybe not, but this scene showed Henderson could light up our screens just like Hagman. Best scene runner-up: The unbearably tense moment when Ann, Harris and Judith hear Luis fire a shot after holding a gun to Emma’s head. The worst scene involved a corrupt politician, a hooker and a dog costume. Need I say more?

Twists

Bug off

Sue Ellen gives a bottle of J.R. Ewing Bourbon to Governor McConaughey (Steven Weber, who was always a welcome guest on this show), but the smug jerk refuses to help her stop John Ross’s Southfork drilling scheme. Later, the guv pours from the bottle while plotting with a corrupt crony to cover up a scandal — unaware that Sue Ellen and Bobby are in a van outside, recording their conversation. How? Because Sue Ellen bugged the bottle! Oh, how I wish Linda Gray had been given more scenes like this.

Cliffhangers

Worst first: Christopher’s death. Jesse Metcalfe’s alter ego went out like a chump by protecting Elena, an increasingly exasperating character who brought Nicolas and the drug cartel into the Ewings’ lives and threatened to send Bobby to prison. (Jordana Brewster, however, was fantastic when Elena saw the car blow up.) I have no doubt Christopher’s murder would’ve opened dramatic new storylines for the show, but since we’ve been denied a fourth season, I can’t help but feel like a “Dallas” legacy character was killed off for no good reason. The best cliffhanger: The doomed three-way between John Ross, Pamela and Emma was sexy and provocative, although the resolution — learning Pamela overdosed to teach her cheating husband and his mistress a lesson — was bananas.

Villains

Guess who?

Mitch Pileggi has always been one of “Dallas’s” best actors, but his performances this year were more complex than ever. Was Harris really working for the CIA, or was he merely out to get Judith? Did he mean it when he told Ann he loved her, or was he just messing with her head? Pileggi kept us guessing all season long — just like a certain Machiavellian character from an earlier era of “Dallas.” Runner-up: Emma Bell’s Emma, who had me throwing things at my TV one moment and reaching for the Kleenex the next.

Supporting Players

Here we have an embarrassment of riches. I loved Antonio Jaramillo, who was frightening and fascinating as cartel general Luis; Kevin Page, who turned sweet-natured Bum into John Ross’s unlikely conscience; and Donny Boaz, who made down-on-his-luck ranch hand Bo McCabe the closest thing this show had to a modern version of Ray Krebbs. But no performance touched me like Marlene Forte, who was heartbreaking in “Dead Reckoning,” the haunting episode in which Carmen learned Drew was dead. Honorable mention: Cynthia Jackson, who played Nurse Harlan, the no-nonsense nightingale who tangled with John Ross in the hospital (“Plant your ass over there in those seats before I plant it for you”).

Newcomers

Killer smile

Juan Pablo Di Pace was sinister and seductive as Nicolas Treviño, who changed the Ewings’ lives forever the day he waltzed into their boardroom and declared himself Cliff’s proxy. Now that he has Christopher’s blood on his hands, Nicolas will be remembered as the Ewings’ most dangerous foe since Katherine ran over Bobby. Honorable mention: AnnaLynne McCord, whose Heather McCabe — a working-class single mom who wanted to do right by her son — was refreshingly free of secret identities and hidden agendas.

Returning Favorites

Two “Dallas” vets earn a spot in the “best” column: Audrey Landers, who was a hoot when Afton showed up at John Ross and Pamela’s wedding, smacked the groom upside his head and sparred with Sue Ellen; and Ken Kercheval, who was downright tragic in the scene where Pamela refused to get Cliff out of jail. You could always count on Landers and Kercheval to make the most of their “Dallas” guest spots; what a shame they never had a scene together. My other old favorite: the return of “Dallas’s” retro-style split-screen opening credits. What took so long?

Costumes

Stylin’

Highlighting just one of costume designer Rachel Sage Kunin’s creations is tough, but if forced to choose, I’ll go with Pamela’s black-and-white dress, which looked striking on Julie Gonazalo. The dress also highlighted the link between Pamela and Sue Ellen, who wore a lot of black and white on the original show. No costume deserves a spot in the “worst” column, although now that I know how much effort went into choosing the jewelry for J.R.’s daughter’s debut, I sure wish that scene hadn’t been left on the cutting room floor.

Music

Johnny Cash returned to “Dallas” for the first time since Season 1 with his cover of Nine Inch Nails’ “Hurt,” which played during the powerful sequence where Bobby destroys his den after J.R.’s masterpiece unravels. Can you watch this scene without getting chills? Other highlights: Ed Sheeran’s “Kiss Me,” which was heard when John Ross and Pamela were making love on their honeymoon while lonely Emma was crying herself to sleep; The Doors’ “Break On Through,” an ideal choice for the diaphragm puncturing/threeway/Southfork fire montage; and Eric Church’s “Devil, Devil,” the song that played when Nicolas’s henchman killed Luis and El Pozolero. And who didn’t love Henderson’s “I See You” during John Ross’s breakdown in the elevator during the season finale?

Props

Good to the last drop

Best: The J.R. Ewing Bourbon bottles, which popped up throughout the season, including the last scene, when John Ross toasts his dearly departed daddy in the back of the limousine. I also got a kick out of seeing Henderson sport replicas of some of Hagman’s signature accessories, even if it looked like that J.R. belt buckle was wearing John Ross instead of the other way around. My least favorite prop: Candace’s severed hands. Good grief. Were those things purchased in the Halloween aisle at Kmart?

Quips

It’s always tough to choose a favorite in this category, and this year is no exception. Contenders include Judith’s J.R.-like analogy (“Money and morality are like two cars on a one-lane road. When they meet, morality’s going to end up in the ditch.”), John Ross’s apt description of his family (“We’re slow, but we do figure things out.”), and Sue Ellen’s memorable put-down of a longtime rival (“Just so you know, Afton, the most despicable thing J.R. ever did was you.”). But nothing tops Miss Texas’s memorable schooling of Emma at the wedding: “Has anyone ever told you about my sister Kristin? She was a lot like you. She ended up face down in the pool.” It’s a shame this line was cut from the episode, but at least TNT had the good sense to turn it into a promo.

Hashtags

#ChristopherRIP

If you didn’t watch “Dallas” while simultaneously tweeting about it, you missed half the fun. The year in hashtags: #Aftershave #BeachBoys #BeMyProxyNicolas #CafeConLechePorFavor #DefineTheRelationship #GoFrackYourself #GoodBlackmailNeverSours #GraspingSuccubus #IceBreakingShips #JusticeNotRevenge #LesserPrairieChicken #MamaLike #MillerLight #MobyDick #Mole #Pozole #SeismicSuperstar #Sprinkles #StupidPills #Supermajority #SurfaceRights #WhoWoreItBetter #WhichEwingDies #YouSmellLikeMyWife #RenewDallasTNT #SaveDallas #DallasForever

What did you love and loathe about the third season of TNT’s “Dallas”? Share your comments below and read more “Best & Worst” reviews.

Everybody loves Cliff

Is Cliff Barnes the most lovable jackass in television history? I can think of no other character who manages to remain so endearing despite being such a jerk. Exhibit A: “And the Winner Is ….” In this episode, Cliff wins the auction for the government’s offshore oil leases, but only after J.R. has tricked him into inflating his bid by tens of millions of dollars. Realizing he’s in over his head but not willing to admit it to himself or anyone else, Cliff insults Pam, ignores Afton, alienates Marilee and treats Jackie rudely. And yet you can’t help but like the schmuck.

The question is: Why? I suppose several factors explain Cliff’s appeal, including the vulnerability he’s displayed in previous episodes. Yes, he’s a boor in “And the Winner Is …,” but he’s also the sweet-natured guy who famously reconciled with his estranged mom by offering her a bowl of licorice. We’re also willing to cut Cliff some slack because we recognize how much of him resides in each of us. Consider the “And the Winner Is …” scene where he gets mad at Sly and she smartly disarms him by saying he’s become more ruthless than her boss. It’s music to Cliff’s ears, reminding us that he doesn’t want to beat J.R. as much as he wants to be him. Once you realize that’s Cliff’s motivation, how can you not excuse his bad behavior? I mean, we all want to be J.R., don’t we?

Of course, if you really want to know why Cliff remains a sympathetic figure, look no further than Ken Kercheval. No “Dallas” actor is better at wearing his character’s obliviousness on his sleeve, and no one brings more electricity to their performances. You can feel Cliff’s manic energy throughout this episode: when he runs into Bobby while storming out of Pam’s house (“What the hell are you doing here on a weekday?” Cliff demands); when he pops out of Afton’s loving embrace to call Mark Graison about business; when he summons Jackie to his office to fix him a drink because he’s too wound up to do it himself. You don’t watch Kercheval, you experience him.

This is why J.R. and Cliff’s confrontation in “And the Winner Is …” is so entertaining. Kercheval and Larry Hagman are fire and ice; while Cliff rages, J.R. stands there, coolly burrowing deeper and deeper under Cliff’s skin. Watching this scene, it occurred to me: Just as Cliff wants to emulate his enemy, I have to believe J.R. harbors a secret, grudging respect for Cliff. Who else but “Barnes” would have the courage to stand in the middle of a crowded restaurant and shout at J.R.? Who else has the capacity to keep getting up and dusting himself off after J.R. has knocked him down? If nothing else, J.R. must enjoy having Cliff to bat around whenever he gets bored.

Kercheval’s scenes elevate “And the Winner Is …,” but this episode has several other good moments. I love seeing J.R. helpfully explain to Edgar Randolph that he did him a favor by blackmailing him because it will force Edgar to come clean to his wife. After Edgar punches him in the gut, J.R. deadpans to Sly and Phyllis, “I saved that man’s marriage and gave him a new lease on life. He doesn’t have a grateful bone in his body.” I also like when Miss Ellie and Clayton dine with Punk and Mavis, who reminisce about the beginning of their 25-year-old marriage. It turns out the Andersons were previously married and divorced from other people. Who knew? Speaking of divorcees: I’m charmed by the scene where Bobby and Pam take Christopher out for ice cream — especially when little Eric Farlow “photo bombs” one of Victoria Principal’s close-ups.

Not everything about “And the Winner Is …” works: The auction sequence is far-fetched — does half the population of Dallas show up to see Edgar and his fellow bureaucrats open a handful of sealed envelopes? — and so is the post-auction reception at the Oil Baron’s Club. Is this a government exercise or the Academy Awards? As silly as this is, nothing compares to the ridiculousness of Lucy and Peter’s fashion photo shoot at Southfork. Between the extras who hover in the background holding sparklers and the sight of Charlene Tilton and Christopher Atkins vamping through massive eyeglasses, I have to believe this sequence was every bit as campy when it aired in 1984 as it is today. On the other hand: If Lucy and Peter wore those frames today while walking down a street in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, or some other hipster neighborhood, I’m sure everyone would think they looked very cool.

Especially if Peter wore his Speedo too.

Grade: B

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Give a hoot

‘AND THE WINNER IS …’

Season 7, Episode 22

Airdate: March 2, 1984

Audience: 21.5 million homes, ranking 3rd in the weekly ratings

Writer: Arthur Bernard Lewis

Director: Nick Havinga

Synopsis: Before the government auctions its offshore oil leases, Sly feeds Cliff false information, driving up his offer. After submitting his inflated bid, Cliff wins the auction to drill in Gold Canyon 340, only to learn Marilee has backed out of the deal, leaving Cliff on the hook with the government. Ray and Donna urge Edgar to come clean about his past to his wife. Bobby and Pam grow closer, alarming Katherine. Peter tells Sue Ellen he believes he was the father of the child she lost, which leaves J.R. seething when he overhears their conversation. Ellie encourages Clayton to invite his sister to their wedding.

Cast: Mary Armstrong (Louise), Christopher Atkins (Peter Richards), Barbara Bel Geddes (Miss Ellie Ewing), Morgan Brittany (Katherine Wentworth), Martin E. Brooks (Edgar Randolph), Roseanna Christiansen (Teresa), Patrick Duffy (Bobby Ewing), Eric Farlow (Christopher Ewing), Fern Fitzgerald (Marilee Stone), Wendy Fulton (Jan Higgins), Linda Gray (Sue Ellen Ewing), Larry Hagman (J.R. Ewing), Alice Hirson (Mavis Anderson), Susan Howard (Donna Krebbs), Steve Kanaly (Ray Krebbs), Rosanne Katon (Billie), Sherril Lynn Katzman (Jackie), Howard Keel (Clayton Farlow), Ken Kercheval (Cliff Barnes), Audrey Landers (Afton Cooper), Joanna Miles (Martha Randolph), Priscilla Beaulieu Presley (Jenna Wade), Victoria Principal (Pam Ewing), Debbie Rennard (Sly), Don Starr (Jordan Lee), Paul Sorensen (Andy Bradley), Charlene Tilton (Lucy Ewing), Deborah Tranelli (Phyllis), Debi Sue Voorhees (waitress), Morgan Woodward (Punk Anderson)

“And the Winner Is …” is available on DVD and at Amazon.com and iTunes. Watch the episode and share your comments below.

Mr. Curious

In “And the Winner Is …,” a seventh-season “Dallas” episode, Cliff (Ken Kercheval) is at the Oil Baron’s Club when he spots J.R. (Larry Hagman).

CLIFF: What are you doing here?

J.R.: Curiosity. I wanted to see if the biggest idiot in the oil business was really going to show his face here tonight.

CLIFF: Well, you are a sore loser.

J.R.: Yeah, maybe. But I’ve been in this business a long time, Cliff. And you’re just a rookie. You’re in over your head, Barnes. You’re not going to bring those wells in, so I’m going to give you a little piece of advice: Cut your losses. Forfeit that 20 percent deposit you had to give the government.

CLIFF: You suggesting I get out?

J.R.: Well, I’m telling you that a $32 million loss is a hell of a lot better for you than the loss of your whole company that your mother gave to you.

CLIFF: That’s a rich tract. There are millions of dollars worth of oil down there.

J.R.: You wouldn’t recognize oil if it was dripping out of your crankcase.

CLIFF: And you can’t stand the fact that Barnes-Wentworth is going to be bigger than Ewing ever dreamed of being.

J.R.: Barnes, you’re as dumb as your daddy used to be. You know the difference between your daddy and my daddy? My daddy knew how to invest in the right talent and the right tools. He knew how to pump oil out of the ground. But your daddy claimed that he could sniff oil out of the ground. Didn’t need anything but his nose. The only place his nose ever led him was skid row.

CLIFF: I’ll tell you where your mouth’s going to lead you.

J.R.: You were right about one thing, Cliff. There is oil in that tract. Millions and millions of dollars worth of oil. But you’re not going to get it. You’re going to bankrupt your mama’s company and wind up just like your daddy: a drunk and a bum.

CLIFF: I’ll show you who can find oil because I am drilling full out and there isn’t anybody who’s going to stop me. And when I hit, I’m going to buy and sell Ewing Oil.

J.R. chuckles and walks away.

With a twist

One reason Larry Hagman is so damn good is because he knows what the audience wants and how to give it to us. Take “Fools Rush In’s” most entertaining scene, when J.R. chews out Katherine for inadvertently making a Bobby/Pam reconciliation possible. It’s somewhat ridiculous to see a grown man so consumed with his brother’s love life, and so Hagman plays the scene accordingly, making J.R.’s bluster more amusing than anything else. The funniest moment comes when Katherine declares she has “no objection” to Pam’s pending marriage to Mark and J.R. mockingly snaps, “Oh, you have no objection to that, do you? Well, you just better keep pushing until that happens, honey!” Who doesn’t love to see Hagman deliver a line like that?

Of course, great acting involves more than indulging the audience. When “Fools Rush In” begins, J.R. has figured out Sue Ellen has been having an affair and he responds in typical J.R. style — by being extra nice to his wife while he secretly plots revenge. After attending Punk and Mavis Anderson’s anniversary party together, J.R. escorts Sue Ellen to her room and says how much he enjoyed spending the evening with her. Sue Ellen looks positively stricken while J.R. beams — until his back is turned and we see his face drop. Is he having reservations about the trap he’s about to spring? Does he fear he might end up pushing his fragile wife too far? There’s no way to know and it doesn’t really matter. What’s important is that we catch a glimpse of J.R.’s humanity. It’s an example of Hagman giving us what we need to see.

While Hagman deserves much credit for highlighting J.R.’s complexities in “Fools Rush In,” he gets an assist from scriptwriter David Paulsen. We don’t know the details of J.R.’s scheme against Sue Ellen and her lover Peter Richards, but we know he wants to bring the couple closer. Notice how J.R. uses John Ross to achieve this goal. First, he waits until the family is gathered around the breakfast table to suggest hiring Peter to spend time with the child, knowing how excited John Ross will be when he hears his camp counselor might be visiting him at Southfork on a regular basis. How could Sue Ellen say no? Likewise, when J.R. approaches Peter with the idea, he brings along his son, essentially daring Peter to turn him down and break the boy’s heart. Who knew John Ross would turn out to be one of Daddy’s best accomplices?

I also like how Paulsen and director Michael Preece treat the return of Dennia Patrick’s duplicitous banker Vaughn Leland, who makes his first “Dallas” appearance since the fifth season. “Fools Rush In”  begins with Cliff scrambling to raise the money he owes the government until — lo and behold! — Vaughn shows up on his doorstep and offers him a loan, which Cliff desperately accepts. At the end of the episode, we see J.R. in his office, fixing drinks for himself and an unseen guest. “Well, everything seems to be moving in the right direction,” he says. Preece’s camera follows him as he carries the drink across the room to — yep, you guessed it — Vaughn, who it turns out is in cahoots with J.R. It’s a nifty twist.

Speaking of Vaughn: I was a little puzzled when Afton reacted so coolly to seeing him in this episode, until I remembered J.R. put her up to sleeping with Vaughn during her early days on “Dallas.” I’m glad the writers didn’t forget about their past, even if I almost did. Other nice touches in “Fools Rush In” include the scene where J.R. hires a detective to snoop into the past of Lucy’s newest boyfriend, Peter. J.R. explains to the private eye why he cares about his niece: “She’s the daughter of my brother Gary, who I’m particularly fond of.” Another fun moment comes when Bobby tells Sue Ellen that Jenna accused him of being stubborn. “Well, you’re not the most flexible person in the world,” Sue Ellen says.

Not everything here works. I’m disappointed we don’t actually see the Andersons’ anniversary party, which the Ewings have been anticipating for several episodes. Not even Oil Baron’s Balls and Ewing Barbecues receive this much buildup. Also, as much as I get a kick out of seeing Ken Kercheval squirm in the scenes where Cliff struggles to raise the money he owes the government, I can’t help but think the feds must have been running one hell of a racket in the 1980s. They allow Cliff to bid tens of millions of dollars more than his competitors for the offshore oil leases, and then they show up unannounced at his office, demanding payment just days after the auction ended? Who says the Reagan administration was business friendly?

But nothing stretches credibility quite like the “Fools Rush In” scene where Pam asks Mark’s physician, Jerry Kenderson, to reveal her fiancée’s mysterious medical diagnosis — and with very little prodding, Kenderson blabs all. So much for doctor-patient confidentiality rules! Then again: Since everyone on “Dallas” is ethically challenged, why should we expect the doctors to be any different?

Grade: B

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Foolin’ around

‘FOOLS RUSH IN’

Season 7, Episode 23

Airdate: March 9, 1984

Audience: 22.5 million homes, ranking 1st in the weekly ratings

Writer: David Paulsen

Director: Michael Preece

Synopsis: Cliff borrows money from banker Vaughn Leland to finance his offshore oil scheme, unaware that J.R. and Vaughn are in cahoots. J.R. warns Katherine to keep Bobby away from Pam, who learns Mark is dying but doesn’t know it. J.R. also springs a trap for Peter, hiring him to spend time with John Ross at Southfork. Bobby has second thoughts about breaking up with Jenna. Miss Ellie and Clayton set a wedding date.

Cast: Christopher Atkins (Peter Richards), John Beck (Mark Graison), Barbara Bel Geddes (Miss Ellie Ewing), Gerald Berns (James Kenyon), Morgan Brittany (Katherine Wentworth), Barbara Cason (Iris Porter), Roseanna Christiansen (Teresa), Robert Donavan (Metcalf), Patrick Duffy (Bobby Ewing), Eric Farlow (Christopher Ewing), Linda Gray (Sue Ellen Ewing), Larry Hagman (J.R. Ewing), Barry Jenner (Dr. Jerry Kenderson), Steve Kanaly (Ray Krebbs), Omri Katz (John Ross Ewing), Sherill Lynn Katzman (Jackie Dugan), Howard Keel (Clayton Farlow), Ken Kercheval (Cliff Barnes), Audrey Landers (Afton Cooper), Shalane McCall (Charlie Wade), Dennis Patrick (Vaughn Leland), Priscilla Beaulieu Presley (Jenna Wade), Victoria Principal (Pam Ewing), Charlene Tilton (Lucy Ewing), Peter White (Ellis Newton)

“Fools Rush In” is available on DVD and at Amazon.com and iTunes. Watch the episode and share your comments below.

Every “Dallas” fan has a favorite finale. What’s yours?

Cliff Barnes may be “Dallas’s” biggest loser, but give the devil his due: He has a knack for pulling the strings of women who’ve been wronged by J.R. Ewing.

On TNT’s “Dallas,” after the Ewings framed Cliff (Ken Kercheval) for J.R.’s “murder,” he summoned Elena Ramos (Jordana Brewster) to his Mexican jail cell and made a shocking revelation: J.R. once swindled Elena’s father out of oil-rich land. After Elena confirmed Cliff’s claims, she accepted his offer to help him get out of jail and join forces against the Ewings — an alliance Elena came to regret after it triggered a chain of tragedies that included the deaths of brother Drew and true love Christopher.

Elena — perhaps the new “Dallas’s” smartest character at one time — became the latest in a long line of ladies who foolishly sought revenge against J.R. by getting into bed with Cliff (only figuratively in Elena’s case, thank heavens). Cliff previously manipulated Sue Ellen, Julie Grey and Afton Cooper, although the strongest parallel between him and Elena might be his relationship with Mandy Winger (Deborah Shelton). During the original show’s ninth season, after Cliff stunned Mandy by telling her that J.R. was sleeping with Angelica Nero — cheating on his mistress with another woman, the nerve! — Mandy agreed to spy on J.R. for Cliff.

The scene where Many and Cliff form their alliance is not unlike the one between Cliff and Elena 29 years later: Each woman sits across a table from Cliff and tells him she’s confirmed his claims, and then she expresses anger over J.R.’s betrayal and declares she’s ready to fight back. Later, Mandy’s scheme spirals out of control — especially after she flushes expensive jewelry from J.R. down the toilet — and she ends up feeling guilty and disillusioned, just like Elena does many years later.

The parallels aren’t perfect, of course. Unlike Mandy, who makes J.R. the target of her revenge, Elena decides to make all the Ewings pay for J.R.’s sins. Also, only Mandy’s story has resolution: She eventually draws the wrath of Sue Ellen, who forces her to leave town.

I can’t help but wonder: How many “Dallas” fans wish they could have seen Sue Ellen do the same thing to Elena?

‘J.R.’s Betrayed Me for the Last Time’

Seeking revenge

In “Curiosity Killed the Cat,” a ninth-season “Dallas” episode, Mandy (Deborah Shelton) sits across from Cliff (Ken Kercheval) at a sidewalk cafe.

MANDY: I went to Angelica Nero’s hotel last night and waited. It was 5 o’clock in the morning when J.R. came out.

CLIFF: He didn’t see you, did he?

MANDY: [Shakes her head no] When he came over to my place this morning, I asked if he’d worked very late. He said he was back at Southfork by 11. You were right, Cliff. Sue Ellen was right. Everyone was right.

CLIFF: I’m sorry you had to find out this way. But since you did, are you ready to take me up on my offer?

MANDY: [Determined] Yes. You just tell me what you want me to do. J.R.’s betrayed me for the last time. Now it’s my turn.

‘His Betrayal Cost My Father His Life’

Seeking justice

In “The Return,” a third-season “Dallas” episode, Elena (Jordana Brewster) sits across from Cliff in a Mexican jail cell.

ELENA: I don’t like you. You’re scheming. [Sighs] But I researched the land records. What you told me is true. J.R. switched my father’s land with a worthless deed. His betrayal cost my father his life. I came back here to accept your offer to be your proxy at Barnes Global.

CLIFF: Good. I spent my life building that company. I’d be loath to think that the Ewings could destroy it before I get out of prison.

ELENA: You’re getting out?

CLIFF: Yeah. And you’re going to help me.

ELENA: Why would I do that?

CLIFF: Because you want to hold real power over that family. And to do that, you need leverage — leverage in the way of evidence that they framed me for J.R.’s murder. My plane, without me in it, was moved to Nuevo Laredo the night that J.R. was killed. And that American woman in Nuevo Laredo — the dancer, Rhonda Simmons or something — you know, she lied to say that I was in the club when I wasn’t. And the gun that killed J.R. they stole out of my locker at the gun range. Together, we can take back Barnes Global, and then Southfork. Take from them what’s most important — what they took from us. But I need to know that you have the strength to exact revenge.

ELENA: They kicked me out of a company I helped start. They took away my oil leases. They accused me of helping my brother when they would have done the same to help their own, and now all this? I’ll find the strength — because I’m not thinking of this as revenge. I am thinking of this as justice.

What do you think of Cliff’s manipulation of Mandy and Elena? Share your comments below and read more “Dallas Parallels.”

The “Dallas: The Complete Third Season” DVD set arrives Tuesday, January 13. Time to choose a favorite moment!

Best shot

The “End Game” cliffhanger is still powerful, especially when you watch the entire episode. In scene after scene, we’re led to believe everyone is gunning for J.R., just like they were four years earlier. The momentum builds until the final moments, when an unseen figure steps off the Ewing Oil elevator, enters J.R.’s office and fires three shots into the back of his chair. The feeling of shock that once accompanied the sight of Bobby slumping to the floor has long since faded, but it’s been replaced with something more satisfying — an appreciation for how much care the producers put into crafting “Dallas’s” grandest fake-out.

It’s also worth revisiting “End Game” to be reminded of how many iconic moments it contains. Two showcase Larry Hagman at his gleeful best. In one, J.R. cracks wise when Katherine glares at him after storming out of Bobby’s office (“You know, she has a nasty temper”). Later, J.R. shows up at Barnes-Wentworth and reveals he engineered Cliff’s spectacular offshore drilling implosion. Hagman delivers a string of classic one-liners, including “You needed slapping down, Cliff” and “Tomorrow morning, the janitor’s going to come in here and sweep you out with the rest of the trash. Unless, of course, you do the honorable thing, get in the elevator, go up to the roof and jump off, huh?” (Bless Ken Kercheval, who manages to make the audience feel sorry for Cliff, even as we bask in J.R.’s triumph.)

Hagman’s other great scene displays J.R.’s darker side. He sits with Sue Ellen and Peter at the Oil Baron’s Club and calmly reveals he arranged Peter’s arrest on drug charges after finding out about Sue Ellen’s affair with the young man. When J.R. offers to keep Peter out of jail if Sue Ellen resumes her wifely duties, Peter drops his “Mr. and Mrs. Ewing” act and exclaims, “Don’t do it, Sue Ellen!” J.R.’s response — “So now it’s ‘Sue Ellen’? — reminds us that for once, he’s the spouse who’s been deceived. It’s also striking how Hagman and Linda Gray never take their eyes off each other in this scene. Make no mistake: This is a showdown between J.R. and Sue Ellen; Peter is nothing more than a pawn to them.

“End Game” also offers a mercifully speedy resolution to the Miss Ellie kidnapping subplot, although I’ll never understand why the producers didn’t leave Jessica on the lam through the end of the season. She would have made a fine suspect in the “who shot Bobby?” mystery, no? Also, after everything Jessica put Ellie and Clayton through, it would have been nice to finally see the couple’s long-delayed wedding, but maybe the shot of J.R. and Bobby preparing to walk Ellie down the aisle is all we need. Just think: This is Ellie’s last appearance until Donna Reed takes over the role, so if Barbara Bel Geddes hadn’t eventually returned to “Dallas,” this would have been our farewell to the beloved actress.

“End Game” does mark the final appearances of Christopher Atkins as Peter and Barry Corbin as Sheriff Washburn. The episode also boasts its share of oddities, including the reflection of a crewmember in a glass panel in the Ewing Oil reception area (you’ll spot him at 47-minute, 32-second mark), and a somewhat unusual scene in which Pam tells little Christopher about the mess she’s made of her life. “You don’t understand any of this, do you?” she asks. Gazing up at her, he whispers, “No.” My friend at Hill Place Blog is convinced Eric Farlow ad-libbed this line; the child is so caught up in Victoria Principal’s performance, he speaks from the heart. It’s a sweetly honest moment on a show that could have used more of them this season.

The episode’s other unexpected moment comes a little earlier, when Sue Ellen and Pam are having a heart-to-heart in the Southfork living room. Seeing how depressed her friend is, Sue Ellen offers to take Pam to a movie to cheer her up but says she wants to go upstairs and change first. In the next scene, Sue Ellen returns to the living room dressed to the nines — she’s ditched her perfectly acceptable sweater and slacks for a runway-ready flowing dress, complete with a turban. It’s one of the most epic costume changes in “Dallas” history, and it leaves me wondering: What’s a bigger tragedy in “End Game” — Bobby’s shooting or the notion that Sue Ellen would wear such a gorgeous outfit to a dark theater where no one could see it?

Grade: A

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Turban legend

‘END GAME’

Season 7, Episode 30

Airdate: May 18, 1984

Audience: 21.8 million homes, ranking 1st in the weekly ratings

Writer: Arthur Bernard Lewis

Director: Leonard Katzman

Synopsis: Miss Ellie is rescued and returns to Southfork, where she marries Clayton while Jessica is put in a sanitarium. Pam takes Christopher and leaves town after finding out about Bobby and Jenna’s engagement. Bobby once again rejects Katherine. J.R. reveals he set up Cliff, who goes on a bender and misses the news that his offshore oil wells finally came in. J.R. also reveals he set up Peter, forcing Sue Ellen to return to their bedroom in exchange for keeping her ex-lover from going to jail. An unseen assailant enters Ewing Oil and fires three shots into J.R.’s chair, where Bobby is seated.

Cast: Mary Armstrong (Louise), Christopher Atkins (Peter Richards), Barbara Bel Geddes (Miss Ellie Ewing), Patrick Duffy (Bobby Ewing), Morgan Brittany (Katherine Wentworth), Billy Green Bush (Deputy Rockwell), Roseanna Christiansen (Teresa), Pat Colbért (Dora Mae), Barry Corbin (Sheriff Fenton Washburn), Eric Farlow (Christopher Ewing), Linda Gray (Sue Ellen Ewing), Larry Hagman (J.R. Ewing), Susan Howard (Donna Krebbs), Steve Kanaly (Ray Krebbs), Omri Katz (John Ross Ewing), Howard Keel (Clayton Farlow), Ken Kercheval (Cliff Barnes), Audrey Landers (Afton Cooper), Shalane McCall (Charlie Wade), Bill Morey (Leo Wakefield), Dennis Patrick (Vaughn Leland), Priscilla Beaulieu Presley (Jenna Wade), Victoria Principal (Pam Ewing), Debbie Rennard (Sly), Sherril Lynn Rettino (Jackie Dugan), Gene Ross (Bull Dawson), Danone Simpson (Kendall), Alexis Smith (Lady Jessica Montfort), Don Starr (Jordan Lee), Charlene Tilton (Lucy Ewing), Deborah Tranelli (Phyllis), John Zarema (Dr. Harlan Danvers)

“End Game” is available on DVD and at Amazon.com and iTunes. Watch the episode and share your comments below.

Slap master

In “End Game,” “Dallas’s” seventh-season finale, Cliff (Ken Kercheval) pours a drink in his office for Vaughn (Dennis Patrick), who sits in front of the desk.

CLIFF: Vaughn, now look, we’re two civilized human beings. [Hands him the drink] We’ve made money before and we’ll make money again. I’m just asking you for a little bit more time. [Walks behind his desk]

VAUGHN: No. The interest payment must be collected on its due date. Now you read the papers. It was very specific.

CLIFF: I’m just asking you to bend the rules a little bit. There’s oil in that tract and we’re gonna hit, and we’ll all be rich. [Turns his back, looks out the window]

VAUGHN: If you don’t strike oil by midnight tomorrow night, the bank is foreclosing. And all of the assets of Barnes-Wentworth will belong to the bank.

J.R. (Larry Hagman) enters.

J.R.: Well, Vaughn, not all the assets. If I remember correctly, our deal calls for me to get control of Gold Canyon 340.

CLIFF: What are you doing here?

J.R.: Oh, I just thought you might want to see the face of your other friendly banker.

CLIFF: No, no, no. I got my money from Vaughn.

J.R.: You got your money from both of us. And tomorrow night, we’re going to turn off the faucet, and all your cash flow is just going to dry right up.

CLIFF: You set me up?

J.R.: From the very beginning. But I didn’t do it alone. In addition to Vaughn Leland here, I had a great assist from your massive ego and unbelievable stupidity.

CLIFF: I had those tracts checked. There’s oil in there.

J.R.: Well, sure there is. Millions of dollars’ worth. Oh, it was a fair setup. As a matter of fact, it was the fairest setup I’ve ever had the pleasure of engineering. I couldn’t lose — because I knew you were just too dumb to find that oil.

CLIFF: Why? Huh? Why did you do that?

J.R.: Because you needed slapping down, Cliff. You’d been stealing deals right out from underneath my nose. And after all these years, you know better than to butt heads with me. But I got all that property back. I got Kesey and Murphy, and tomorrow night, I’ll own Gold Canyon 340. You needed a lesson, you see. And the only way I could get the message through that thick skull of yours was to have you bankrupt your mama’s company while I just sat back and watched you. You’re out of my life for good.

CLIFF: [Softly] No, uh-uh. No, I’m not finished yet.

J.R.: Sure you are. Tomorrow morning, the janitor’s going to come in here and sweep you out with the rest of the trash. Unless, of course, you do the honorable thing, get in the elevator, go up to the roof and jump off, huh? [Chuckles] Oh, come on, Vaughn. I’ll buy you a drink. [Turns and leaves, followed by Vaughn]

“Dallas’s” seventh season clocks in at 30 hours, making it the show’s longest season yet. Does quantity equal quality?

Performances

Winning loser

If Cliff Barnes were played by anyone other than Ken Kercheval, we’d probably hate him. Cliff is foolish, petty, self-centered — yet throughout the seventh season, Kercheval brings a startling amount of vulnerability to the role. Cliff doesn’t want to beat J.R. as much as he wants to be J.R. — and who can blame him for that? The more I watch Kercheval, the more I appreciate his ability to balance Cliff’s bombast with pathos and humanity. What a great actor.

Storylines

Is there anything more satisfying than seeing J.R. climb back to the top? When the season begins, his marriage to Sue Ellen is on the rocks, Bobby and Pam’s pending divorce is no longer a sure thing and Cliff is stealing big deals out from under him. By the end of the year, J.R. has everyone right where he wants them: Sue Ellen is back in his bedroom, Bobby is poised to marry Jenna and Cliff’s life is ruined. Once again, we’re reminded of a fundamental truth: “Dallas” is at its best when J.R. is at his worst.

Best storyline runners-up: Ray’s trial for euthanizing Mickey, a plot twist that dared to inject some topicality into “Dallas’s” narrative mix, and Miss Ellie’s struggle to tell Clayton about her mastectomy, another sensitively handled subplot that’s still ahead of its time. The season’s most disappointing stories: No, not Sue Ellen and Peter’s affair, which at least had the whole fortysomething-woman-gets-in-touch-with-her-sexuality thing going for it. Instead, the last-and-least prize goes to Bobby and Jenna’s “love story,” as dreary a romance as “Dallas” has ever offered.

Episodes

Bag that nag, honey

“The Road Back” delivers the most exciting episode opening in “Dallas” history. Southfork is ablaze when Bobby roars into the driveway in his convertible, leaps into the pool and races into the house to rescue the Ewings. This episode also gives us the classic scene where Pam admonishes Sue Ellen for sipping champagne and Sue Ellen purrs, “Pam, don’t be a nag.” What “Dallas” fan hasn’t dreamed of saying that to Victoria Principal’s character?

Scenes

I’ve written before about how much I love the scene where J.R. visits Pam and warns her to not call off her divorce from Bobby. The score, the staging, the performances — this is a highlight of the series, not just the season. Best scene runners-up: Bobby’s shocking shooting, Bobby and Pam’s breakup in Thanksgiving Square, Pam slapping Katherine, J.R. accusing Sue Ellen of treating him like a “stud service,” J.R. confronting Sly about her spying and any time Larry Hagman shared a screen with Kercheval.

Worst scene: Lady Jessica picks up a knife in the Southfork kitchen and wonders whether she should chop Miss Ellie’s vegetables or Mama herself. Who thought turning “Dallas” into a horror movie was a good idea?

Supporting Players

Good. Bye.

John Beck shines in “Love Stories,” the episode where Mark Graison learns he’s dying and quietly slips out of Pam’s life. This is the most interesting thing Mark ever did; too bad for the underappreciated Beck it came during the character’s farewell. At the other end of the spectrum: Alexis Smith. Yes, she brought admirable gusto to her role as Lady Jessica, but if I wanted to see someone named Alexis camp it up, “Dallas” isn’t the show I’d watch.

Behind the Scenes

And now let us pause to honor Bradford May, whose brilliant cinematography transformed the seventh season into “Dallas’s” most gorgeous year ever. Under his lighting, Southfork was exquisite, Ewing Oil finally looked like a real executive suite and the Oil Baron’s Club radiated class and sophistication. “The May way” elevated the storytelling this season, making it easier to overlook flaws in other aspects of the production. He departed “Dallas” before the season concluded — one of the great blunders on a show that had more than a few — but his contribution to this franchise will never be forgotten.

The year’s other backstage VIP: Jerrold Immel, whose seventh-season version of the “Dallas” theme music remains my favorite. Every time I watch the titles and hear Immel’s synthesized riff (it occurs right when the split-screen sequence starts), I can’t help but smile.

Costumes

Little boy, blue

I usually don’t complain about good-looking dudes showing skin, but Peter’s Speedo is the worst costume in “Dallas” history. Every time he pranced around in that thing, we were reminded how Christopher Atkins — an otherwise fine actor — was too boyish to play Peter, who is supposed to be so studly, Sue Ellen can’t resist him. (Sue Ellen swooning over Mickey in his jean cutoffs? That I’d believe.) Best accessory: Katherine’s hats, of course.

Quips

Was this J.R.’s quippiest season yet? I can’t think of another year where he delivered so many classic gems. To Pam: “I don’t give a damn about you or your happiness, honey. But I do care about what’s good for me.” To Katherine: “Loving always makes me thirsty.” To Edgar: “Once you give up integrity, the rest is a piece of cake.” My favorite, though, is this one, which he delivered to Vaughn: “J.R. Ewing doesn’t get ulcers. He gives ’em.” That one should have hung on a sign above his office door, don’t you think?

What do you love and loathe about “Dallas’s” seventh season? Share your comments below and read more “Best & Worst” reviews.